To escape the inevitable questions that arise: "Do you love me?" "Am I pretty?" "Can I have $300 so my aunt can have an operation?" No one needs an interrogation when his body has just performed a feat of stunning humanity. You see, powerful hypnotic brain drugs are released during orgasm: good shit like endorphins, oxytocin, and prolactin (or, as they're known on the street, Sleepy, Dopey, and Kim Jong Il). Men produce more of these neurochemicals than women and also tend to exert themselves more during sex, usually doing most of the heavy lifting, thus leaving the woman free to close her eyes and fantasize about England.
I haven't been with many women...
Allow me to interrupt for one moment. As your sexual counsel, I must advise you not to admit that in the press again.
...but my new girlfriend's labia seem really different. They're huge. Is this common?
Not today, but many millions of hundreds of years ago, women like your girlfriend were prized for their large, strapping labia, which made it easier for them to navigate through rough river currents during Flapulus, a sort of primitive wake-boarding sport played by kings. And we all owe a debt to the brave, brawny-lipped women who aided the resistance movement by relaying covert semaphore messages to the Allies. But things have changed a lot since then. Your repulsion at the sight of her may be spurred by the female genitalia you've no doubt seen in your precious porn. However, not all current women look that way, and not all those who do arrive at it naturally. Dr. Scott M. Gulinson, of the Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation Institute of Phoenix, says his patients routinely bring in magazine pictures of their ideal vulvas and, after having the picture turned right-side up for them, often choose to undergo labiaplasty -- a newish procedure for the very spiffy, wherein the inner labia are made smaller, more symmetrical, more aerodynamic, and much, much better. And while the rest of us marvel at how gentle Homo sapiens is slowly giving way to newer, sleeker strains of primate (I speak specifically of Homo electivus surgerius, dubbed "Van Nuys Woman," whose fossilized remains date back to A.D. 1984), some people are unhappy. Sexologist Betty Dodson is one of them. "They trim off their beautiful petals," she says, "so they'll have what they call the clamshell look, which is very prepubescent." And superhot for spring! Now, labiaplasty shouldn't be performed on your girlfriend unless she's truly ashamed of herself. And there is perhaps another way. "We need to reach women in grade school!" pleads Dodson. "We need to let them see the variety out there so they won't feel like this! As an owner of large inner lips" -- and this is where my correspondence with Betty unfortunately broke off. But if you'd like to get involved in the Grade School Women Labia Acceptance Movement, write your congressman.
My wife and I love each other, but we just don't have a great sex life anymore. Is it actually possible to reinvigorate a stale sexual relationship, or is that just therapist nonsense?
Say what you will about therapy, but at the risk of sounding glib, I'll admit that my thrice-weekly angel-guided rebirthing sessions are really starting to kick in, and I barely mind being in the trash bag anymore. Therapists and therapy experts alike recommend solving any big problems first. Sex therapist Stephanie Buehler believes that once couples halt "the repeated trips to rehab, gambling, and domestic violence, then there is room for love to grow like a rose." (She didn't say what color rose.) Then maybe attempt some open, honest, slightly icky sex talk with your wife. "We suggest that people begin to have those conversations in nonsexual settings," says Pala Copeland, who, along with her partner, Al, runs a tantric-sex thing at their home in Ottawa. Any nonsexual setting will do; it needn't be a Minnesota airport or even a public men's room, for that matter. Or why not join Pala, Al, and some of the other tantra-heads for a group encounter? "We show video sex clips," she says. "There are periods of intercourse interspersed with periods of cuddling and holding, or feeding each other something, or kissing, or oral sex, or manual stimulation." Which is all super, but I come for the live lute shows and nightly smoothie specials. Anyway, everyone seems to agree that it's best to relax during sex and not focus on orgasms, unless you want to have orgasms, in which case, you may have to rub them out for yourself a while longer.
How do I minimize my chances of getting caught having sex in public?
When having sex in public, whether by yourself or in a group, one must take stringent precautions to avoid being seen, heard, or unfairly heckled. Dark alleys are great, but there can be some unscrupulous characters about, so make sure you hide the money first. Public parks are also good, and restrooms are perfect. According to Joseph Couture, author of Peek: Inside the Private World of Public Sex, the best "have double doors, because you can hear the first door open, and it gives you a second before they walk through the second door, before they're actually able to see you." Essentially you'll want to scout a location that's private, provides some cover, and allows you a wide vantage point so you can react quickly to any interlopers or horny senators.